"It has been said that sometimes we need a story
more than food in order to live."

~ Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. ~

It is often very healing to tell our stories. The following suggestions were designed to help participants tell their stories for Collecting Loss. Though these stories have now been collected, please feel free to consider our suggestions if you feel drawn to write your story for yourself or to share with someone else.

There are many ways to tell a story, and no way is incorrect. Just write from the heart and write the truth of what you remember. Your story can be of any length and told in paragraphs, point form, poetry or any other written form that works for you!

Write as much or as little as comes to mind, without editing. You can edit later if you want to. For now, just let it all pour out onto the page.

A.  Questions

Use the following questions to stimulate your storytelling. Simply answer them and/or use them as jumping off points and let your memory take you where it will. Write down whatever comes to mind.

1. What comes to mind when you see, smell, touch, think of the piece of clothing?
2. When did your loved one wear it?
3. Why did you choose this piece of clothing?
4. Did you intentionally save this piece of clothing? If yes, why?
5. What does it mean to you to give it away now?
6. What is it like to live without your loved one now?
7. How do you live with this loss?
8. What has helped you through this loss?
9. What have you done with other items of clothing and other belongings?
10. Has your memory of this person changed over time? If yes, how?
11. Do you connect with your loved one in any way now? If yes, how?

B.  Journal Entry

Do you keep a journal? Approach the storytelling as though you are making an entry in your journal. Start from where you are in this moment.

Example:

Dec 8/06 - Today the air is crisp and gray and I am remembering the long, slow moments before you passed away. I'm holding your hand and watching intently the rise and fall of your chest. Listening to the stops and starts of your breath and knowing in my heart that you and I are coming to the end of our time together in this world.

So much time has passed since that day and yet I remember this scarf you wore around your head as if we are still sitting in your room - you lying on the bed and me leaning in from the chair at your side. Your eyes open gently from time to time as you drift in and out of consciousness and everytime I see your eyes I see how the blue of the scarf illuminates the blue sparkle still in your gaze.

We shopped for a lot of scarves that fall. So many patterns and colours. You said it was more fun than dying your hair all the colours of the rainbow when you were a teenager! You had such a fighting spirit, and still I know how hard it was for you to lose your hair, your long, beautiful chestnut brown hair.

I can feel the warmth of my hand as it surrounds your thin fingers. I can feel your hand go limp in mine as the sound of your last breath escapes. After some time, I untie the scarf and I weep. The scarf catches my tears.

C.  Letter to Your Loved One

Write a letter to your loved one, telling them everything you remember about this clothing of theirs, everything you remember about them, whatever you want them to know. Feel free to include things you wish you had said or done when they were alive.

Example:

Dear Greg:

The photograph I keep of you on my desk is you on the day you went to Camp Borden and had a dream day of mock battles and camouflage. My memories are not strong but I know your spirit was gentle and so when I think of how you loved all things army I imagine it was the peaceful warrior in you coming through.

I'm holding the camouflaged jacket you were given that day - the one you're wearing in the photograph...

D.  Alpha Poem/Story

Print your loved one's name in the column on a sheet of paper, one letter per line, leaving several lines in between letters. For each letter choose a word that begins with it and start to write about the person and the clothing. Alternately, use the kind of clothing or any other word (i.e. a feeling coming strongly to you).

Examples:

1. Using loved one's name

Left the world so soon. I hardly got to know you. There are been more years now that you haven't lived than the ones that you did live.

And your passing left a hole in my heart that I wanted to heal for a long time. Now I see how it opens and closes. That it is a wound which will never fully and completely heal because I loved you, and love you still, so much. Love opens me up.

Undone and yet I smile as I think of you. How you undid the hard places in so many people, how you still undo the hard places when we remember you. Your laugh, your determination to live as the vibrant six year old you still were inside. Your body may have suffered but your spirit soared.

Remembering your favourite pyjamas I can almost see you at the kitchen table drawing, turning your nose up at the dress mom suggests you might want to wear tomorrow. Really, we all know the only thing you want to wear are the beloved pyjamas. It's a challenge for mom to get them off you long enough to wash them! We shared a bedroom, bunk beds and the sound of you rocking yourself to sleep at night washes over me and helps me to fall asleep some nights still. This comfort I did not even realize, until you were gone, of you in the bunk below me.

Always in these pyjamas. Always I see you in these pyjamas.

2. Using piece of clothing

S
W
E
A
T
E
R

3. Using a feeling

L
O
V
E

E.  Begin With...

Choose one (or more) of the following sentences to begin your story. Start with one. Give yourself a time limit, say 5 minutes. Within those minutes, every time you get stuck on what to write, begin with the sentence again.

I remember...

This clothing reminds me of...

Example:

I remember walking the aisles of Home Depot with you, how you trailed behind. You were in no hurry and if this took all day that would be okay. I remember you in your three-piece suit. Always in a three-piece suit. It could be a family dinner at home, a check-up at the doctor's, a shopping trip to Home Depot. I remember how you took so much pride in your appearance and a suit was what men of your generation wore. A tailored suit, with an impeccably pressed shirt and cuff links, shoes polished to perfection. You wouldn't have it any other way.

As I fold one of your suit jackets, I remember your smell and the way you walked with pride to the last of your days. What has become of all the suits your generation wore? What will become of all your suits? This jacket I fold takes me to the memories of the hours and hours I sat to listen to your stories, wishing I could record every last one of them so that I could always remember...